To break up or not to break up?

Having a cigarette has never sounded so good ... Breaking up has never seemed so urgent ... But I am trying to be smart. No hasty decisions, and especially  no smoking. I stopped February 2012. It would be really stupid to start again now, or anytime matter of fact. I don't have cigarettes anyway (but I could go buy some.) 

As for the breaking up, I know you would probably throw a party and send me a gift (perhaps a vibrator) if I went through with it, but I am too shaken up to do anything. I wouldn't even know what to tell him without me sounding completely crazy, so for now I am shutting up. 

But my shutting up also means that tomorrow he will be asking what is wrong with me 'cause I never shut up. Perhaps me dropping off the keys of his apartment - without him asking for them - will also raise some questions. I hope not. I have no answers. 

Why all these feelings? Well that it is also another question without any answer at the moment. How did my mood do a 180 in less than one hour is a mystery. It makes me want to cry, but I can't seem to cry. 

I tried sitting on random stairs, away from everyone, and nothing happened. I thought maybe when I get to my apartment, in my room, completely alone, then tears will start flowing, and then I would feel better, right? That's what everyone says: you feel better after. I wouldn't know if they are lying or telling the truth. The crying did not happen, so there was no good after feeling. 

It is like my brain is divided in two parts: one wants to cry and the other is saying "what for? you have nothing to cry for you moron?" I wonder what his brain is thinking. I wonder if it is divided too or if he is just busy sleeping now and completely oblivious to everything happening in my little brains. 

LITTLE.BRAINS.